Eat! Get dressed! Pick up the toys! Wash your hands! Don’t pick your nose! Pick up your dishes! No hitting! Use your inside voice! Get ready for school! Clean your room! Get in the shower! Brush your teeth! Where are your shoes? No more “It’s raining tacos” on Spotify!
Ever hear a parent admit they knew it all before they had kids? Yup, we were ignorant f*ckers. I find this is also true of the difference between being a first time parent, then a parent of 2 – those little rugrats are expert teachers in patience and humility.
I curse my 20 year old self for thinking I could be an amazing parent because I was an amazing auntie. Of course I was amazing as an auntie! …I had sleep, and a social life, and free will, and I didn’t have to deal with the same arguments every day. Because I had energy, I was fun, so my nephew listened.
I am also hyper aware that the crazy mood swings of my children are triggers of my own childhood trauma of having a mother battling depression and diagnosed bipolar. So everyday, I’m doing my own work alongside them to manage my emotions.
I feel like I need a daily reset button to use the skills I know I have, the ones that work when I feel like I have my wits about me and the gift of time. This is where lesson one comes in handy to give me self compassion:
trigger stacking.
The Theory – Trigger Stacking:
One of my top 10 conflict strategies is taking a trigger inventory, acknowledging what is wearing me down and validating my own feelings.
A great mediator and conflict coach, Tammy Lenski, wrote about “Trigger Stacking” in her blog and it is so simple and so genius. When we have a number of triggers, both in our present environment and carried from past experiences, our ability to cope is lowered and we become snippy.
For me, taking inventory of stressors has two parts:
1) acknowledging the stressors and challenges
2) looking to see if there is anything that I can change or if I need to accept the things I cannot change and modify my approach.
With kids, they really need us to be regulated. So I find I often need to check myself and modify my approach.
The Method (If/Then):
I was recently in a workshop and one of the trainers sent me off with some book recommendations and resources to look up when I got excited about Powerful Non-Defensive Communication, Sharon Strand Ellison. For two weeks, I have been trying her twist on the classic parenting trick – giving kids “choice.” The twist is you present the either/or with the consequence (-), then the favorable outcome (+). Here’s an example:
If (undesired behaviour), then (- outcome)
If (you don’t keep your hands to yourself), then (you cannot sit beside your sibling).
If (desired behaviour), then (+ outcome)
If (you can keep your hands to yourself), then (you can stay sitting next to your sibling).
BAM my child stops being a jerk to their sibling!
But like any new skill, it’s hard to adapt and think about it in the moment of being annoyed and then practice the thing when yelling would be so much more cathartic. Remember the parenting incentives: 1) you avoid the relationship wound, 2) you avoid the shame train, 3) you feel kick ass when the kids listen, and 4) you avoid a power struggle!
PS: if the strategy didn’t work – you follow through with the given consequence without anger or shame, just a matter of fact decision the child made on their own and move on. They will learn that they will not get a rise out of you, and that you will deliver on the consequences – this builds trust so take it as a win as well.
New things are hard so take care of yourself and be gentle. It might also be helpful to find some comedic relief online – parents are great sources of parody and satire. Laughter is a helpful strategy to move through stress and can help to self-regulate! Just don’t laugh at your child, this would be counter productive for building trust and safety…
Good luck!
Nicole Robidoux 